We have been talking about the concepts of denial, dishonesty, and Manipulation in our family class for years. In her recent book "Addict in the Family", published by Hazelden, Beverly Conyers spells it out very clearly. Addiction is very predictable and all addicted people will deny they have a problem, lie, cheat and steal and manipulate situations and people to get what they want, and that is their drug of choice.
Remember, addiction is a brain disease and the brain is altered in important ways at the cellular level because of this disease process. You can not see addiction, but you can see the result of addiction in the dishonest and manipulative behavior that addicts display regularly. This behavior is very understandable when you are clear that what an addicted person believes and acts on is that their drug of choice is what makes life worth living.
Family members think in terms of relationships, children, career, and accomplishments as what make life worth living but that is not true for the addicted person.
Remember; "If their lips are moving they are lying." "Never trust an addicted person because you think you should or because you want them to be trustworthy so badly." "the only thing that counts with an addicted person is their behavior."
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
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8 comments:
Our 20 yr. old has been back home 2 yrs., but this week relapsed by using, stealing, getting fired, and there is a warrant out for her arrest. We are afraid to leave our home unattended for fear she will break in and steal from us. This happened before. How do we take our home "back". She is staying somewhere else, but all of her belongings are here.
As you are experiencing neither you nor your daughter have control over the disease process of addiction.
The two things that you can exercise control over are your environment, and your response to the disease.
The important thing to remember is that this is a process. You need to get support for yourself while you are doing this. AlaNon meetings can be helpful.
The family needs to agree on the goal, such as what you mentioned, "take back your home." Then it comes down to what are you willing to do to accomplish this goal. Are you willing to have a restraining order on her? Are you willing to change the locks? Are you willing to have her arrested? What ever you do you must be consistent. The message to her should be simple and clear: such as, I love you. You need help. Your behavior is unacceptable, We will not support your addiction but we will support your recovery, you can't live here.
She may still try to break in, or manipulate but if you are clear on your goal and are willing to control your environment you can be successful.
Addicted people will only get help when they are allowed to experience the consequences of their addiction. They need pain to get that they have a problem.
Remember the three C's. You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it.
Taking back you home is a process that you can start now but you must be consistent. You must follow through and you must not do anything that you aren't ready and willing to do, not because you think it might help your daughter but because it is good for you and the rest of the family.
My boyfriend is currently in a recovery program for his drug addiction. I am living away from him at the moment, with my parents, so he can deal with his issues, and get better. My parents are having a hard time dealing with my continual communication with him, as well as the fact that I want to have a go with him in my life again, when he is better. He has reached out spiritually, and is doing exceptionally well. According to my parents, I am being manipulated and am crazy for "risking my life" and that he won't relapse and take me down with his problems. My boyfriend and I have a very open and honest relationship, except of course when he is using. I do believe he is in a clear headspace and is committed to his recovery, but am aware at the consequences of a life with him. Any advice on communicating with parents who only see black and white?
If you want to communicate with your parents to relieve them of their anxiety I can't help you. Don't formulate your response to your boyfriends addiction because of an emotional reaction to your parents fear. Your boyfriend is not a monster, but, he is also not to be trusted. He is an addict and that is serious.
The big question is, What are you saying to yourself about this situation. Your boyfriend has a condition that he will have to manage for the rest of his life and one of the most vulnerable times is when an addicted person first comes out of a treatment program. His job is going to be getting a sponsor (mentor) spending a lot of time going to meetings and continuing to work his program of recovery. You can be supportive but you also need to give him space to do the work he needs to do in recovery. You may one day have a successful relationship with him someday but that will depend on how well you develop boundaries between what his issues are and what your issues are. You need to just observe over time, allow him to demonstrate his commitment and only trust his behavior. The most wonderful people become addicted and no matter how much you want to trust them it is a bad idea. Let them earn your trust over time by walking their talk.
You will not be able to gauge his commitment to recovery until he is out of the treatment program and working his program of recovery in the real world over the next year. You should go to some Alanon meetings or some open 12 step meetings (without your boyfriend)
My boyfriend and I have been dating on and off for 12 years. I had a life in another city until he called me and said he wanted me to move back and get married and have the life that we always dreamed of. I did move back, which has almost been a year now. It has been the worst 8 months of my life, deceit, tears, worry, fighting, financial problems, come to find out he has had a cocaine habit for two years, an everyday habit, would disappear for a couple days at a time every few weeks. We have separated and are living separately since December 14 2007. I asked him to leave our home because he would not take a drug test. He is living with his mother and says that he is clean, all by himself. My heart is broken and I want to desparately beleive everything he tells me but I dont know what is true and what is a lie. He is telling me that he loves me and we can make this work, but I am so afraid of the manipulation that I have suffered for so long now. What do I do, what do I trust, my heart or my brain?
Ally-
Not sure how long ago you posted- I just found this site. I am a survivor of an emotionally and psychologically abusive marriage that I am still trying to get out of. My husband, who I have not lived with for almost 3 years, is a cocaine addict. He claims to be clean now and I truly hope he is- especially since he had an affair and a resulting child who will turn one in a few months. You have to step back from the situation and think about what is best for you. I lept into marriage, a mere 4 months after finding out about his abuse for the first time. We were married for 3 years before I found out again- he'd been using the whole time. After another (possibly 2 depending on his actual relapses) botched attempt at rehab- he claimed to be getting better- moved away to a previous city we'd lived in to "gain clarity" and promptly dumped me for a new, easier life. People there were easier to fool- they'd never lived with an addict. Stay strong and try, as best you can, to separate yourself & take things slowly. Divorce and bankruptcy are no fun.
The only thing you can trust is behavior. What he says is not as important as what he does. Recovery from addiction is a lot more involved than just not using. If he isn't going to some type of meetings and working some type of program he isn't in recovery. If your brain is telling you to be cautious that is what you can trust. We all love the addicts in our life but that doesn't mean we can live with them. He needs be in recovery for many months before trust even comes into the picture.
This article explain that the addiction is a brain disease and the brain is altered in important ways at the cellular level because of this disease process. dishonesty and manipulate behaviour addicts regularly.due to this it is very understandable when you are clear that what an addicted person believes and acts on is that their drug of choice is what makes life worth living.
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helen
Comprehensive resources for those looking for recovery from addiction.
http://www.addictionrecovery.net
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