Monday, November 05, 2007

Manipulation and Addiction

People have been writing and asking about addiction and manipulation.

The first thing to understand is that all addicted people manipulate. It isn't personal but it is what addicts do

The second thing to understand is that all family members and friends get manipulated by the addicted they care about. This is the normal dance that occurs with the disease of addiction

The third thing to know is that family members will continue to be manipulated until they make a decision to stop allowing this to happen.

As long as the addicted person is using they will not stop trying to manipulate. Don't expect the addicted person to change their behavior. This is normal behavior for the addicted person.

Family members and friends need to understand the nature of addiction. Addiction is a condition that alters the brain of the addicted person and causes a shift in perception. Because of the changes in the brain the addicted person believes that their drug of choice is what make life worth living, not family, friends, relationships, jobs, hobbies etc.

Compulsive drug use, lying and manipulation are the normal compulsive behaviors associated with addiction. Family members have no control over these behaviors although they spend tremendous amounts of energy attempting to control them.

Family members can control their response to these behaviors and that is the important skill to learn.

In their book "Love First" Jeff and Debra Jay have a chapter titled "Good Intentions Can Take You Down The Wrong Road." This chapter is about how family and friends get manipulated and inadvertently contribute to the addiction problems by helping the addicted person in inappropriate ways.

Family and friends need to learn the skill of allowing the addicted person they care about to experience the consequences of their addiction. If the addicted person isn't allowed to feel the pain they cause themselves they won't understand they have a problem or be motivated to change.

The addicted person can't see your pain. They can't see past their own needs. Anything that gets in their way is a problem that they must overcome, manipulate, get around so they can continue to use their drug of choice.

All addicted people manipulate, that's part of addiction. Don't take it personally, it's just how addicted people behave as a result of their condition.

The family needs to come together and talk about what is going on. Don't struggle alone. Check out Families Anonymous or Al Anon.

"If their lips are moving they are lying."


Anonymous said...

I have ben involved with a recovering addict and to be honest it is almost impossible to be any where near his family, extending and children. All they want to do is let you know how messed up he is, what he has done, what he won't do excetera. this info you have posted has been very beneficial. For you to support the thought that he is addicted to manipulation is SO TRUE. thank you- j

Anonymous said...

I also have been with an adict that just recently got out of prison for selling drugs. Everyone is constantly puting him down and talking about how he will never make it. We are both young me being 19 and him being 22. its easier for me to understand why he lied so much to me and his family now thank you. All adicts are not hopeless.

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately addicts will always process love, emotions, promisses, attachment, a totally different way than people with no addictions. They will always blame you for the lack of trust....but they will hardly ever accept that they have done any wrong.
You will think he or she is special... "one in a million...this one will recover....we will make it!" And you will be let down over and over. If he or she recovers you will think you were damn right this was a special case. But even after long time of being sober....the shadow of the addiction and strong cravings will come back and break the stability and happy family you built up together.
If you are not amazingly strong in your emotions and capable of standing behaviour upheavals....walk away immediately!
If you are strong, good luck in this....God bless you and dont forget to keep your rules and ultimatums.

calohboy said...

I am running. AT 43 years old...i have had enough. I love this forum and come here daily for strength. I cant take the insanity for one more day. I have been deceived for the last time. I dont want to live with the effect and fall out of a meth addict for another minute. I didnt cause it....but have paid for it dearly...I cant change it...and that wasnt for a lack of trying....and I certainly cant cure it. I will salvage what i can of my life; my heart, and myself...and i will never look back. Again...thanks for this blog!

Anonymous said...

I have a husband that is addicted to serboxcine pills.never was a harion addic. But was given to him at first to get high now he needs them to not feel with draws.he been in tetox but when he gos to a program he not their no more than a week because he starts to miss his family. He bye s them on the street he doesn't work so I'm paying for them.he's promise to go in treatment in September. Now he as told me that he wants to get them through a doctor because he can't function without them.something I've heard many times. He tries to make excuses to justify his addiction. I'm so tiered I think he's taking my kindness for week ness.then turns the table on me that I'm the bad one.can anyone please help..

Anonymous said...

I have a daughter who has been on drugs for two years. Did two times at rehab and was successful during rehab but relapsed when she came out. She now lives away from me and is homeless.

My life...I am addicted to her every move and her every lie. I can't sleep at night and worry through the day.

Today I am making a change and putting the focus back on me. I have been to Alanon and used the program when I was living with my ex husband. Somehow that was easier to put up boundaries and detach with love with my spouse than with my daughter.

The result is I am sicker because of it and all my controlling ways has not helped her one bit.

Let it begin with me. I can't control it...cure it...nor did I cause it. These are hard works for a parent to accept but I am powerless over her choices.

So for all of you struggling with an addict, my heart goes out to you. Thank you for the reminder that addicts lie and manipulate and not to take it personally.

Words to live by and I hope to find the serenity regardless if my loved one is using or not.