Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Trust the addict you love?

Trust- We all want to trust the people we love. Love sometimes blinds us to the reality of some situations. We think if we love someone we should trust them. But trust and love are two very different things. You can not particularly like someone but trust them because they follow through. You can also love someone but don't trust them. Many people might think that loving someone but not trusting them is horrible, but if you understand addiction you will see that it is not only a good idea but necessary for the family members emotional survival.

Addiction is a medical condition that neither the addicted person nor the family member can "cure". The addicted person can learn to manage their condition and live a healthy and happy life. In order to do this the addicted person must take responsibility for their condition, their past behavior, their present behavior, learn strategies to deal with uncomfortable feelings without using, and maintain a support system of other people in recovery.

Loved ones can be supportive but they must allow the addicted person to work their program of recovery on their own terms. Family and friends of addicted people usually have their own issues that need to be worked on but these issues generally get neglected because they want to focus on the addicted persons issues, family members may even mistake the addicted persons issues for their own.

It is important for family members to understand that the addicted persons issues are not your issues. Of course they effect you but they aren't yours.

Trusting your loved one will not help them in recovery. Allowing them to earn your trust will. So observe behavior, see if it matches up with the addicted persons talk, observe if there is follow through. Over time the person you love may even become trustworthy, but they don't deserve it until they earn it.


Anonymous said...

Well, our 19 yr old son, came home one night and said he needed our help! He got caught in a nightmare of drug use (6 mths) and couldn't get out! We took him to a detox program and an outpatient program.. he is on 60 days.. and clean and thinking outloud!
We as a family, felt that he needed us.. so we stayed home with him during this period. Allowing small things in small steps... he goes to school full time and we fill his days & nights with life, family & treatment. We told him this is something he has in his hands to take to the next step and control his life!
We are still scared each day!
We talk after each session and follow up with the counselors.
The really bad things for us, is no one close knew about his using, not his girlfriend, best friend, brother or us.. not a clue, passed all classes, continued to work, excersie etc...
So we are trying to keep our eyes and mind open.
So.. what we decided since if a person gets hurts, they have support... and we are supporting him in small steps..
He knows his recovery is day by day, but he feels mentally and physcially better.
We are attending, family sessions, both private & group.
We are providing him an opportunity to go away for 4 days.. to another area.. and break the chains of his addiction.
He is getting tired of so much talk about it... but he has learned so much from it. So he keeps talking and listening.
At the request of the outpatient he has spoke to large groups of students about who his is..and what he did.. from beginning to the day of asking for help.. It scared him to see himself in the audience and made him feel better..
We are working the recovery day by day... step by step for him and for our families welfare.
Well to another day!

Anonymous said...

hi.i've never blogged before, and am not entirely sure how it all works. i found out the man i've loved for four years is an addict.
i knew he had done drugs in the past, which frightened me, but it turns out he never really stopped for more than two weeks. four months ago, after he proposed to me, he broke things off suddenly in a furious and irrational fit of anger. it was a shattering moment for both of us, but we decided to go to counseling and give it a chance. over the next four months, i could feel him slipping away in what i thought was his love. he was irritable, impatient, cold, exhausted, and distant. i left two weeks ago.
he came to me and told me ..he's addicted to heroin. 1 gram each time---every weekend--and sometimes 1-2 other days. he started four months ago, right after we became engaged. prior to that he had been taking other less lethal forms of opiates. tonight is his first night in an out-patient treatment program. he wants me back, but i really don't know. i feel shattered but can't share it with him or anyone. i love him, but he blew up our future. why would he start doing heroin..just as his dreams were coming true?

broken in boston

Anonymous said...

I am an addict myself. I have been sober for almost 3 years now. My boyfriend, also an addict, and I have been together for 18 months. Two weeks ago he relapsed. This has been one of the hardest things I've had to deal with in recovery. Even being an addict myself has not prepared me on how to deal with this situation. I did have to end the relationship because he is still using and that is not something that I can subject myself to. It is heartbreaking to watch. I immediately joined a 12 step support program and it has helped tremendously. I may not be able to be a part of the relationship right now, but I am slowly learning to be a friend and a source of support for him. I am learning to let go of my anger and realize, once again, that addiction is not anyone's fault, even the addict. No one would ever choose to be that way. I know I didn't. My anger is not beneficial to either one of us. I have to realize that he is going to have to go through whatever he has to go through to hopefully try to get sober again. It's not that he doesn't love me, or wouldn't get better if he could. The fact of it is that he is an addict. This blog has really helped me with some key points and suggestions that I plan on using to help myself through this.
Thank you,