Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Finding Help

Finding help can be one of the more frustrating aspects of having an addict in the family. First you need to decide who you are spending the energy trying to find help for? The primary person you need to be focused on finding help for is you. Most family members believe it is their duty and obligation to find help for the substance abuser in their family. What you are actually able to control is finding "resources" for your loved one and finding "resources" and "help" for yourself. Many people begin to understand this when they find themselves feeling more and more emotionally on edge or emotionally shut down when their addicted family member continues to not accept the "help" they are offered. When families look for help they usually start by seeking help for the addict not for themselves. They think that "if the addict gets help they will feel better." This is generally a misinterpretation of what is going on. In the long run family members need help independently of the addict but the resources available for family members are not as obvious nor as available as for addict. Of course just as the addict must accept their addiction in order to receive the help available to them family members must accept that they also need help independently of the addict in order for them progress in healing their own issues. People have begun this process and then have written to me and said they have gone to "groups" and it was only others telling their "sad stories" when they had wanted answers. You might look at it this way. Getting help for yourself will probably involve a variety of resources. Being able to listen to other families stories and very importantly tell your own story is one important aspect of "help". Getting information from blogs, books, classes, and other media is another piece of the "getting help" puzzle. Some aspects of getting help involve issues other than addiction. Doing something therapeutic such as exercise, yoga, art classes are another. A big aspect of allowing yourself to get help is how open you are to talking about the addiction in your family. You can't get feedback if you don't share. There is also an interesting program called Families Anonymous, there is a link to it on this blog in the links section. If there is no chapter of this organization in your area they have instructions on their website on how you can start a chapter in your area. They would be a good resource to reach out to for information and support even if the idea of starting a chapter yourself is frightening and the furthest thing from your mind. Help for the addict is available. you can find the resources for that rather quickly and then you can pass on the information to the addict. Don't be discouraged by rejection of the information, just remind them about it from time to time. Your focus is getting help for yourself, it is out there. Look at it as a treasure hunt.


Jonnie said...

Thank you, Bob for this blog. So many family members, including me, think that they can cure the addict if they just do or say the right thing. I now understand that I didn't cause her addiction, I cannot control it, and I cannot cure it.
I found the rooms of Nar-Anon Family Groups, a 12 step Support Group where family & friends of addicts share their experience, strength and hope. I am so grateful for the meetings and support of people in similar situations who I can call or email when I need to talk.
Thank you again for your blog!

Tyrone and Angela said...

Thanks for share this information, We are in the process of healing in our family. I am so glad to find a blog that confront the issues of the addict and their family. chech out http://livingwithloveonesaddicted.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

This is so true. Sometimes people think that the addict is the only one that needs help. First people that usually need help is the family. Nice to hear that this blog is helping the family while Drug Treatment is helping the addicts.

Viktor said...

Thanks for sharing this information. In all forms of addiction, whether alcohol addiction, drug addiction, or sex and love addiction, it's always the "addict's" willingness to change for a better him (or her) will lead him to recovery. Although family plays an important role, still the person involved is the major character so change should primarily start from him.