Thursday, November 29, 2012

Am I doing the "Right Thing?"

Thank you for taking the time to comment on posts that you found interesting. There is a common question within many of the comments and that question is. "Am I doing the right thing?" People become anxious about what the specific, right, behavior should be in a given situation. Should I visit my mother if she feels I betrayed her? Should I withhold?, should I do more? I've done A,B and C, what else can I do? The answer to all these questions is not found in a specific behavior. There is no "right thing (answer)."  The answer is related to your decision about the direction you want your relationship with the addicted person to move toward. I maintain that it is always better to have a relationship with the addicted person, if possible, but on your terms.

 The most important skill you have to learn is how to deal with uncertainty and suffering. In order to do this it is important to seek help. You will find it when you seek out a community of other people who are struggling with the same type of issues. (AlaNon, Families Anonymous, Naranon)

Another important point. It is very important to take care of yourself but what is the difference between manipulation and honestly taking care of yourself. When you manipulate you are attempting to have control over someone else and force a specific outcome from them. When you take care of yourself you are creating an outcome for yourself not someone else. Sometimes there is a fine line between taking care of yourself and manipulation. Try to keep in mind that your first goal is your own well being. You can't be of assistance to anyone else if you are a wreck.

This brings us to the holiday season. This can be very problematic in many ways for families dealing with an addicted family member. All you can do is the best that you can. It is important to have support and use that support to deal with the upsetting emotions that will come up  during this time.

2 comments:

Gail Donaldson said...

I don't know if I should call my son. I have been afraid of him for years. he is a functioning 30 year old addict.Alcohol pot cocaine meth arrests car accidents, he is now delusional hearing and seeing thing thru his computer, he even cut a neighbors cables. His wife has left him with his children. He calls but rants about codes. I'm thousands of miles away and question every thing I do or should do. A psch hold proved unenforceable . I will be in his town for the holidays I have two other sons and more family there. His wife won't return calls I afraid to call I'm sure the holidays will be tough. Church and my own doctor have tried to help me relax. Any advice would help.

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