Families and Addiction

More on Helping Yourself.

2011-11-26T10:14:00.002-10:00

Taking better care of yourself both emotionally and physically will help you free up coping capacity. This will give you the opportunity to begin doing the things that are going to be important to you over time. It is important to keep in mind, what many of the comments on this blog have indicated, that the addicted family member may remain self destructive irrespective of any and all efforts of family members.

The decision family members and friends must make is whether they are willing to focus on their own well being. Are you willing to take care of yourself in spite of the on going addiction of your loved one? There is a temptation for family members to believe they must be an instrument in turning the addict's life around. Mix this perception with a misunderstanding of addiction, guilt and fear and you have a recipe for disaster.

My perspective is that taking care of yourself is crucial. It is the most important thing you can do for yourself and the addicted family member. You don't help a drowning person by drowning yourself. When you are over focused on trying to manage the addict's life your own life begins to shrink and will disappear unless you make some changes. This leads to frustration, hurt, anger and more. This is not the mindset you need to be helpful to the addict when the appropriate time arises.

Helping Yourself

2011-09-27T12:11:00.002-10:00

At some point many people come to the realization that they have to start taking care of themselves or they will be worse off that the addict they have been over focusing on. Then comes the big question. What do I do?? People who have disappeared into the care taker role often forget or never learned how to take care of themselves. It feels selfish, uncomfortable, or at least, very awkward. Two of the basics of taking care of yourself are to get some exercise and to socialize with someone. Start simple with some small thing that is different that your normal pattern. Watch a sunset or a sunrise once this week. Go to a park and sit under a tree or take a walk, alone or with a friend, once this week. Find something simple to do that is different than your normal pattern. Going to meetings such as al-anon, nar-anon or families anonymous are very important aspect of helping yourself but what is also important, in addition to the meetings, is learning to have some fun.

Finding Help

2011-06-07T13:24:00.002-10:00

Finding help can be one of the more frustrating aspects of having an addict in the family. First you need to decide who you are spending the energy trying to find help for? The primary person you need to be focused on finding help for is you. Most family members believe it is their duty and obligation to find help for the substance abuser in their family. What you are actually able to control is finding "resources" for your loved one and finding "resources" and "help" for yourself. Many people begin to understand this when they find themselves feeling more and more emotionally on edge or emotionally shut down when their addicted family member continues to not accept the "help" they are offered. When families look for help they usually start by seeking help for the addict not for themselves. They think that "if the addict gets help they will feel better." This is generally a misinterpretation of what is going on. In the long run family members need help independently of the addict but the resources available for family members are not as obvious nor as available as for addict. Of course just as the addict must accept their addiction in order to receive the help available to them family members must accept that they also need help independently of the addict in order for them progress in healing their own issues. People have begun this process and then have written to me and said they have gone to "groups" and it was only others telling their "sad stories" when they had wanted answers. You might look at it this way. Getting help for yourself will probably involve a variety of resources. Being able to listen to other families stories and very importantly tell your own story is one important aspect of "help". Getting information from blogs, books, classes, and other media is another piece of the "getting help" puzzle. Some aspects of getting help involve issues other than addiction. Doing something therapeutic such as exercise, yoga, art classes are another. A big aspect of allowing yourself to get help is how open you are to talking about the addiction in your family. You can't get feedback if you don't share. There is also an interesting program called Families Anonymous, there is a link to it on this blog in the links section. If there is no chapter of this organization in your area they have instructions on their website on how you can start a chapter in your area. They would be a good resource to reach out to for information and support even if the idea of starting a chapter yourself is frightening and the furthest thing from your mind. Help for the addict is available. you can find the resources for that rather quickly and then you can pass on the information to the addict. Don't be discouraged by rejection of the information, just remind them about it from time to time. Your focus is getting help for yourself, it is out there. Look at it as a treasure hunt.

A Healthier Relationship With The Addict In Your Family

2010-08-05T13:23:00.002-10:00

If a member of your family is actively involved in addiction it is still possible to build a healthier relationship with them than you might think. Relationships within the family are often strained by the added pressures created by addiction. We would like to suggest that in spite of these struggles, if you want to arrive at the best possible outcome, it is very important to begin to build healthier relationships with both the addicted family member as well as others in the family unit. Remember now, it is healthier relationships not perfect relationships.

When family members came to the "Family Class" the questions most asked at first was, " What can I do to get my addicted family member to recognize that they need help?" and "How do I get them to seek treatment and then stay clean and sober?"

What they learned was that the answers to these questions are to be found by exploring the beliefs that they, as family members, hold about the nature of addiction, what they believe their roles and responsibilities are, and what they believe they can or cannot control.

In order to make the most of opportunities to improve your relationship with the addict in your family, and open some healthy emotional space for yourself, we recommend that you begin by learning the following four important skills.: Managing Loss of Trust; Giving up control of outcomes for the addict; Delivering clear communication; Finding and using support systems. As you gradually increase your ability to implement these skills, your ability to cope with the added stress addiction brings to your life will also increase.

Creating Boundaries

2010-03-11T14:16:00.002-10:00

The first rule for boundaries is that the family members must not set any boundary that they don't fully agree on. Do not act unilaterally. The second rule is that no boundary should be communicated to the addicted family member until it has been discussed with with the family and all are willing to implement it. Work with each other to find a boundary you can agree on. You may have to start small. The third rule for boundaries is they must be designed to increase the well being of the family not to manipulate or punish the addicted family member. It is very important, if not absolutely necessary for the family members, such as the parents of an addict, to get support from some group in which they can discuss their situation and talk over their options.

Using Resources

2009-09-29T09:02:00.002-10:00

Often after getting help we wonder why we waited so long before seeking support and learning how to use the resources that are available to us. Often we are aware there is a serious problem with the behavior of a family member. We see them changing in negative ways and may even understand that alcohol/drugs are an issue but if we don't understand what this means we continue to act as if we can or should be able to take care of the situation ourselves. The idea that someone in our family is an addict is so disturbing that we will focus on almost anything else as an issue. This is very understandable. There have been many time when someone in the family class knew there was a serious problem going on with one of their family members and even were clear that alcohol/drugs are the issue but were not willing or able to acknowledge that their family member was suffering from addiction. Many times we know the reality of the situation in our heads but can't or won't accept it in our heart. This split between head and heart is not unusual but may prevent us from moving forward toward learning how to respond to our loved one's drug use in a healthy way and seeking help and resources for ourselves and family.

The first issue is that many of us don't really understand addiction, and the second issue is that the concept of addiction carries with it a heavy load of blame, shame, guilt, failure, and is unfortunately and inaccurately seen as a reflection on the character of the whole family. Our tendency is to try to take care of problems within our family, not to "air out dirty laundry." This behavior tends to isolate the family and individuals in the family and reduces the chances of learning more about the reality of addiction and how to contact and use resources that could be helpful.

It is important to remember the 3 C's. We didn't Cause the addiction, We can't Control the addiction and we can't Cure the addiction. The three C's sound to some people like we are more helpless than we want to be. We would rather force ourselves into the situation rather than believe we are helpless in a family crisis. In fact we are not helpless and if we are to make the best use of important resources we need to learn the other 3 C's. These are learning what we Can Cause (improvement in our well being, increased knowledge about addiction, treatment and how to respond to the addict) What we Can Control (Our environment, How we respond to addiction, How we allow ourselves to be treated) and what we Can Cure (Our own emotional and physical health).

The resources we use should help us in understanding what we are dealing with when we have an addicted person in our family, help us reduce our feelings of isolation and anxiety, help us in relating to our entire family, help us feel better about ourselves and stay connected to friends and other people we know in the community.

Good resources should help family members learn the following skills:

Skill 1. Understand the nature of the disease of addiction.

Skill 2. Understand the difference between the addicted family member's issues and our issues.

Skill 3. Understand and begin to implement the 3 C's
.
Skill 4. Understand and begin to implement the new 3 C's based on what you can do.

Skill 5. Learn how to manage anxiety and fear. Learn how they drive unhealthy reactions to the addict.

Skill 6. Learn how to use resources both inside and outside the family.

Families on the Frontlines

2009-04-27T12:58:00.003-10:00

I'm back...I hope everyone is working toward healing themselves. It is important for us all.

Every major professional organization in the world, such as the World Health Organization, American Medical Association, etc. agree that addiction is a disease process and a major public health problem. They also agree that when someone in a family is affected by this condition everybody in the family unit is negatively impacted. Family members generally begin to develop ways of coping with the problem of addiction that are unhealthy. They may reduce their level of communication with each other, avoid showing emotions and keeping the situation secret from friends, relatives or co-workers and they may start taking on the responsibilities that the addicted person should be fulfilling.

Family members are on the front lines in the "war on drugs," but they are not trained for the task and are usually operating as isolated units that generally do not communicate comfortably with each other or with the larger community in which they live. They are the invisible casualties that are piling up on the battlefield of this war and they are suffering on a daily basis in isolation and struggling with the pain and fear they are experiencing as a result of their loved one's addiction. As family members struggle to figure out how to help their loved one, without help for themselves they gradually begin to take on the pain and anxiety that the addict should be feeling. Families need help but aren't getting it.

When people are struggling with drug abuse in their family they grasp for answers. They are anxious to seek information about how to make it stop; they want to know how to get their loved one to stop using drugs and get into treatment. Family members become stressed out and they don't process information well. Many times what they do hear is that the user can get help only when they want it, and that translates into hopelessness and they feel even more powerless. What is going on, everything is focused on the addict. Paradox: More focus on the addict the worse the family feels.

What do family members need to learn?

Family member need to learn if what they actually believe about addiction is true. They need to develop enough confidence in themselves that they are willing to act based on what is true about addiction. Family members beliefs about addiction will continue to shape what they think, feel and do in relationship to the addict, other family members and themselves. It is important to get accurate information.

Family members need to learn about issues of control and stress management and how stress and fear can destroy family relationships. Control issues are at the core of addiction and it is the loss of control that frightens family members the most. Family members can learn what they have control over and what they don't have control over. Family members don't have control over the addicted person's behavior but they can exercise control over the type of behavior that occurs in their home if they are willing to. Armed with the knowledge that there are things that they can control, if they are willing to do that, they can begin moving a direction that is healthier for the family and may increase the possibility the addicted person will seek help. The skill of managing stress in a healthy manner is extremely important to learn. Stress, fear and anxiety play a central role in the struggle with addiction in the family. This is absolutely normal and at the same time must be acknowledged and managed. When family members learn to manage their fear and anxiety they will be better able to take back control over their own lives and respond to the addicted as well as other family members in a healthy way.

Taking a Break

2008-12-30T11:54:00.005-10:00

Aloha,

As you can see I have not posted additional information for about a month. I am taking a break until the new year. There is plenty of information and links on this blog to keep everyone busy for awhile.

It is important to remember that the key to family recovery is to work on your own issues. The more focused and obsessed you become with the addicted person in your life the less ready you will be to be helpful to them or yourself.

The addicted person will attempt to manipulate you and will tell you what you want to hear to get what they want. This is not personal this is what addicted people do to everyone, it is the nature of the disease of addiction.

Don't get sucked into their words, observe their behavior without trying to manipulate it. Don't take their behavior personally. It's not about you, they can't see beyond their own needs so when they are selfish, self centered, manipulative and irresponsible the correct response from you is not "oh my god, look what they are doing now." But it is "of course, that's what addicts do."

One more thing, allow them to feel the pain they create in their lives. Too many times the family members take on that pain and that is the wrong thing to do and it delays the chances that the addicted person will seek help.

How to have a "healthy" relationship with the addicted person in your family

2008-11-06T14:48:00.002-10:00

If your family member is actively involved in their addiction you can still have a "healthy" relationship with them but it will look and feel a lot different than a normal healthy relationship.
You can't have a normal healthy relationship with someone who is actively using drugs.
What is different? Number one you should not trust them. Not trusting them even if you want to is a good thing because it is a sign that you are understanding the reality of their situation. It is also important to develop a non judgmental understanding of your loved one's condition this is an important step in having a healthy relationship. Non judgmental does not mean you like what is going on but does mean you understand what is going on, and are willing to avoid falling into a power struggle with your loved one.

You need to be very consistent in your communication with the addicted person and avoid trying to manipulate them like the plague. It is important to learn how to take back your life while you reduce your urge to manipulate them manage their life while your life falls apart.

People that care about the addicted person tend to get scared, or angry when they can't make something positive happen. When family members don't get support their relationship with the addict becomes driven by anxiety and is focused on trying to make something happen to change the situation. This sets up a power struggle and the addicted person starts focusing on you as the problem and you are focused on trying to manage their life while your life starts to disappear.

It is important for you focus on maintaining the quality of your life and give consistent messages to the addicted person in your family. The messages should be that you love them and you want them to get help for their addiction and you will hold them accountable for their behavior. Without the drama of a power struggle there is no resentment and anger that gets in the way of communication. This leaves an opening for the future when they are struggling and start to believe they do need help for them to talk with you.

Words and Action

2008-10-11T11:28:00.003-10:00

At some point in the struggle with addiction in our families, we ran out of words. The only thing left was action. This is where the rubber hits the road. At some point, it is time to allow reality to demonstrate to the addicted person that there are consequences associated with addictive behavior. We don't have to create these situations, the addicted person will create them as a result of the way they live their life. What our part involves is allowing the consequences to impact the addict. Addicts will respond to experiences before they will respond to words. As long as they are still in denial about their addiction they will blame those around them for their suffering even though they are the source of their own pain.

The addicted person must understand that their addiction is their issue not yours or anyone else's. If they are to enter and stay in recovery their understanding that their addiction is theirs is absolutely essential. They will never acquire this understanding unless they are forced to figure out how to solve problems that they create in their own lives.

Family members and friends can play an important role here by reminding the addicted person that they are loved, that they have a medical condition and that treatment is available. Many times an addicted person's first step in solving their problems is to agree to go to treatment. When they think all their options have run out and there is nobody left to manipulate and they don't know what else to do, they remember that their mother or sister or friend kept saying go to treatment, so they go.

In order for family members to be able to have the will to allow their loved one to struggle on their own the family members need support and education. You can't do this alone and you must believe in what you are doing and have a clear understanding of why you are doing it.

More About Boundaries

2008-07-29T13:31:00.002-10:00

How do I create effective boundaries between me and the addicted person that I love? To begin you have to understand what you are doing and what is it that you are trying to accomplish? Also you want to know when a boundary is effective?

So many family members live in a rigid world of automatic reactions to the addicted person in their lives and have no understanding of what they can do that is helpful. What they are doing doesn't seem to be working but they don't know what else to do. If they seek help they are told that it is important to take care of themselves and allow the addicted person to suffer the consequences of their behavior. These suggestions seem unnatural to many people. If someone you love is suffering you must help them, anything else seems selfish and cold. People feel they are not being a "good" wife, husband, parent, child or friend. This confusion is why it is so important to understand what you are doing and why you are doing it when creating boundaries.

It is true that an addicted person will not seek help until they experience a level of pain that breaks through their normal system of denial. It is also true that it is not the family's job to make the addicted person suffer and hope that this will make them go into treatment. This type of thinking is a recipe for frustration.

It is important for family members to be able to manage their expectations, and to understand that there is no perfect system for interacting with an addicted person. Creating boundaries means that you stop trying to manage someone else's life at the expense of your own.

Effective boundaries means that when an addicted person experiences a negative consequence because of their addiction you don't interfere to buffer the experience. You manage your expectations by understanding that this negative experience may not be the one that gets them into treatment but is necessary for them to experience and deal with because it is their life and they created this experience. You have issues to deal with in your own life that you have probably neglected in the past by coming to the addicted person's rescue.

You should always be experimenting with ways to live a normal life in spite of your loved ones addiction. You can start by experimenting with small stuff. I have had a number of mothers who have had their adult children wind up back home. The adult children don't pay rent, don't do chores but are using drugs/alcohol. The mothers do what many other mothers do, their kids laundry. The problem is that these kids are 23, 28, 34, or 46 years old. My first question to them is why are you doing their laundry? It seem that it was one of those automatic behaviors that is problematic when dealing with addiction. They thought it was just what a "good" mother did. I usually suggest they try an experiment and stop doing their adult kids laundry. Their laundry is their responsibility not yours. There are a variety of different types of small things like this such as cooking them dinner, buying them cigarettes, letting them use your car that you can decide that you don't want to do any longer. This is not punishment. This is about adults demonstrating responsibility for themselves.

Another aspect of creating effective boundaries is understanding that you cannot control their addiction but you can control your environment and how you decide to respond to your loved ones addiction. You start getting an idea that you are being successful at creating effective boundaries when you find yourself moving from rigid responses driven by fear and expectations to having a choice in how you want to respond in every situation.

Creating Boundaries

2008-06-27T10:23:00.005-10:00

Creating boundaries is an important skill to learn in order to respond in a healthy way to the addicted person in your life.

The key to your ability to create real boundaries is your willingness to hold the addicted person responsible for their addict behavior for the benefit of the family, not to manipulate the addicted person into better behavior. This is a skill that must be learned.

I have talked with family members that wanted to create "consequences" for their addicted loved one for a variety of bad reasons, because the family was angry at the addicted person, or because they wanted to punish the addicted person for being addicted, or the family wanted to manipulate the addicted person into treatment.

The first thing to understand is that the family does not create consequences. The family creates boundaries, and the addicted persons behavior results in consequences. One aspect of boundaries are clear rules or limits on behavior that everyone in the family is expected to honor, including the addicted person. Developing boundaries involves both perception and emotion. Being able to see that your loved ones addiction is not your issue can be very difficult. Boundaries help create a dividing line between the issues the addicted person must deal with in order to get help and issues that the family members must deal with for their health. Family members often spend too much time trying to solve their loved ones addiction and as a result they begin to loose touch with their own needs and identity.

Some family members have asked the question, what are examples of creating boundaries.? The most important examples of creating boundaries are invisible and are created through support and education. They involve an internal shift involving the understanding of addiction and learning to not overreact to your emotions. Family members are able to create healthy boundaries when they begin to understand that their loved one can only recover when they take responsibility for their own issues, family members can't do it for them. Healthy boundaries are created when family members can overcome the guilt, the anger, the disappointment, and the perception that they are responsible for this situation and are expected to make it better.

Remember the three C's: You didn't Cause it, You can't Control it and You can't Cure it.

When family members begin making this internal shift then they can create healthy boundaries that don't involve manipulation, anger, punishment and they will be able to follow through and uphold these boundaries.

Anyone can look as though they are creating a "boundary" but if it is done for the wrong reasons it just keeps the addicted person and the family members more enmeshed in an unhealthy dance.

If you enforce a rule or boundary and you are doing this because it is good for you and your family your on the right track.

If you enforce a rule or boundary and it is about trying to manipulate the addicted person your on the wrong track.

What People Ask!!

2008-06-01T11:30:00.003-10:00

The last 50 people who have come to this blog have asked about information related to, the manipulative behavior of addicted people, being able to trust the addicted person again, the creation of boundaries and how to say no, enabling behaviors and coping strategies to deal with the anxiety, stress and fear associated with living with addiction in the family.

Over the past 12 years of talking with family members who are struggling with addiction in at least one or more of their family members these questions make up about 90% of what they are dealing with and want to get better at managing. The other few 10% of issues has to do with whether addiction is a disease and questions about specific drugs.

I would like to make a small statement related to the addiction as a disease question. Forget the word disease. I call it a medical condition, you can call it anything you want. All reputable medical organizations in the world will say addiction is a disease process. The most important concept to understand, no matter what you decide to call addiction, is that you can not control this condition and the addicted person can not either.

The addicted person can learn to manage their condition only after they have acknowledged their addiction and become willing to take responsibility for managing their own recovery.

It is important to clearly understand that addiction is a medical condition which results in changes in brain chemistry that alters the normal perception and decision making process in the brain. These changes are caused by chronic use of the addicted persons drug of choice, whether it is alcohol, methamphetamine, cocaine, etc.. The primary message that addicted persons are giving themselves is that their drug of choice is what makes life worth living. The drug replaces you, other family members, education, career, economic responsibility and hobby's. I'm sure you can add many others through your own experience. The primary activity for the addicted person is to acquire and use their drug of choice.

All addicted people will manipulate those around them and their environment to ensure that they meet their goal of getting and using their drug. Manipulation is the normal behavior of an addicted person. It is not personal, it is just what addicts do. When you begin to understand this you can better decide on your choice of strategies for not allowing yourself to be manipulated by the addicted person.

Yes, addiction is not personal!! It is hurtful because you can see that the person you love is hurting themselves and others but it is not aimed at you. Addicted people, because of the changes in the brain brought on by their compulsive drug use can not see other peoples suffering. Addicted people are trapped in a narrow focus of getting and using their drug of choice. Because you are thinking logically you see offers of help and support. Because the addicted persons brain is altered they see the offers of help and support as roadblocks to be overcome or manipulated out of the way to meet their goal of using their drug of choice. You are simply a witness to their addict behavior. The more you are gradually able to learn to lessen the personal aspects of your response to your loved ones addiction the better able you will be to respond effectively to the chaos they create in their lives that effects your life.

Trust issues are important family issues. Many family members trust what an addicted person says because they want to trust them and want them to be trustworthy. They trust what they say because they think they should. They trust what they say because they think if they don't they are abandoning them. It is important for family members to understand this about addicted people, if their lips are moving they are lying. Never trust what an addicted person says, even if you want to. Remember just as addiction is not personal neither is this. Addiction happens to the most wonderful people. This isn't an attack on their character. This is an acknowledgment of the realities of addiction.

Learning to trust again. Nobody deserves your trust just because they are breathing, or they are related to you. If you think about people you really trust it is probably people that follow through on what they say they will do. They may not be perfect but their behavior matches up with their words.

What about the addict? If you understand addiction, and that the primary goal of that addict is to acquire and use their drug of choice they also follow through. The problem is they won't tell you the truth. If you understand that no matter what they tell you it is all for the drug it is easier to say no. Never call an addicted person a liar. The information about not trusting them is for you to understand when responding to their very predictable addict behavior. If you want to learn to trust them again remember it is all about the behavior, just observe. As they begin a program of recovery you may note that they are beginning to "walk their talk", as they say in 12 step programs. Start out slow and allow trust to be earned, no judgments.

Creating boundaries between you and the addicted person in your family is an important skill to learn. Without boundaries you can not learn to respond effectively to help improve your emotional well being and also be helpful to others in your family. An important part in creating boundaries is coming to the understanding that the addicted person you love has different issues than you. For example, their addiction is not your issue. In order for them to begin any process of recovery they must take responsibility for their condition. Many family members try and try take responsibility for their loved ones recovery and they become more and more frustrated and hurt. The issues you need to be focusing on are related to you and are separate from your loved ones medical condition. These issues need to be addressed for you to be successful in your own recovery.

Getting support is probably the most important behavior a family or individual family member can do for themselves and the addicted person in their family. Addiction thrives on isolation, fear and shame. Part of your recovery is learning how to be yourself again and to live a healthy life even with the stress of addiction in the family.

Loss

2008-05-01T10:39:00.003-10:00

My wife recently lost both of her parents. One died in December 2007 and the other died three weeks later in January 2008. That has been quite an adjustment for the whole family. Now with Mothers Day coming up it is a fresh reminder of that loss. The whole personality of the family structure has had to adjust to that loss in order to heal.

Loss is a common theme with family members who are experiencing the disease of addiction in their family system. The big fear is that the drug use will actually kill the person you care about. The more common experience though is not the death of your loved one, although that is a possibility, but the death of your dreams for that person. The loss of who that person was, their personality, their potential and the relationships within the family structure that have changed in serious ways.

The feelings of loss are a normal result of addiction in a family system and family members make extraordinary efforts to attempt to solve this problem, get their loved one the help they need, to take control and help the addicted person. They want their loved one back. This is a very frustrating experience.

In general most of these extraordinary efforts do not work and lead to more feelings of loss, hurt and anger. So what do you do?

My wife could not make the fact that her parents had died go away. In order to heal she had to mourn, understand that her feelings were normal and eventually accept the reality of the situation.

Family members who have a loved one lost in addiction must go through a similar process. The person they once knew doesn't seem to exist any longer family members are mourning this loss and are trying to get that old person back. It is important for family members to let go of that past because if and when the addicted person begins the process of treatment and healing a new person will emerge like a butterfly from a caterpillar. If the family members have not moved on and are still focused on the way things used to be they will miss the opportunities to build a new relationship with their loved one.

Addiction changes everyone in a family. The longer the family struggles with this issue the more they need learn to manage these changes in a healthy way. This is why it is so important for family members to focus on taking care of themselves.

So, How do you help someone you love who is addicted? First you stop trying to control them. You need to observe their behavior and begin to control your environment, such as who or what you allow in your house, what you spend money on, how you allow people to treat you.

You actually do not have any control over your loved one's addiction. You can keep trying to control it if you wish but it will continue to be a very frustrating and bitter experience. You do have control over your environment. It is in your environment that the addict is most likely to begin feeling the consequences to their behavior. Again remember, you have no control over the addiction but you have control over how you allow the addiction to impact you. When you start taking control of this area of your life you will disrupt the addicted person's status quo and they will have to adjust.

Remember addicted persons only seek help when they are uncomfortable enough to try something different. No addict seeks help because things are going good but might get bad.

In order to begin to do any of these tasks you need to learn about addiction. You need to seek out and use a support system. Your family has to be willing to form a team and work together. Everyone in the family doesn't have to agree on everything but you must respect each other and do not sabotage the efforts of the family. Honesty is a requirement for family health. Also it is assumed that the family would like to have the goal of all these efforts be that their loved one enters treatment, completes treatment and lives happily ever after. This can not be the goal because there is no direct pathway to that end. What a reasonable goal might be has to to with improving the emotional health of the entire family no matter what the outcome for the addicted person.

What is the wisdom attached to the facts?

2008-03-27T19:05:00.004-10:00

I hope all of you that celebrate Easter had a happy and peaceful time. I have said in the past that if you want to find out about drugs you can find all the information you want and probably more than you wanted on the internet. "Just the facts" are a good thing to have if you are writing a paper for a class and if you are struggling on a personal level with addiction in your family or with close friends. But what is the wisdom, the insight attached to the "facts"?

Fact: Addiction is a disease process that changes the way the brain functions and results in distorted perceptions and impulsive, self centered behavior.

Fact: Everyone in the addicted person's family is negatively impacted by the disease
of addiction and needs help.

Fact: Both the family members,friends and the addicted person need information about their condition.

Fact: Family members and friends can be very helpful to themselves and may have an impact on the addicted person but they have to be willing to implement new ways of thinking and new behaviors that will be difficult to maintain without support.

Fact: None of the above can happen unless the family members and friends actually believe the facts, and are open for change based on the facts.

What are some of the behaviors related to a new way of thinking and implementing a healthier family life.?

1. Allowing the addicted person to experience the consequences of their addiction.

2. Finding a support group or class where you can talk about the struggles with addiction and what was helpful to others.

3. Learning to take the "crazy" behavior of your addicted loved one less personal. Once you understand the disease concept you will see that it isn't personal. You just happen to be there as a witness and have a vested interest in their well being.

4. Learn what you have control over and what you don't have control over. So many people try to control the symptoms of the addiction ( the bad behavior, their friends, their irresponsible use of money, etc.). We spend so much time and energy trying to control what we can't we start feeling depressed, frustrated, angry, and powerless.

5. You can control two things, your response to the addiction by learning to respond based on the reality of addiction, on the facts, rather than trying to force an outcome that you don't have control over and your environment, what is in your house and what is in your head. You can come to a decision as to what, who and under what conditions people are allowed into you life. You can require a certain quality of behavior if your addicted loved one wants to be in your environment. This is the beginning of creating boundaries.

MORE LATER

Sometimes We Need To Hear It Again

2008-02-13T14:00:00.002-10:00

I have been receiving hits from people in many different parts of the world. North America, Europe, Middle East and the questions are all very similar. How does one deal with manipulation, loss of trust, or how do I learn to trust. "My life has been turned upside down by the person I love who is an addict." "They said one thing but did another, they lie, they spend too much money, they disappear for days at a time." "They blame me."

This is the typical experience of the family member who is involved in the life of an actively practicing addict. NUMBER ONE thing to do is get support and eduction for yourself. If you are in a relationship with an addict you need recovery. This is very important for you to internalize. You didn't cause it, You can't control it and you can't cure it. The more obsessed you are with your loved one's addiction the more help you need.

Learn to create boundaries between you and the addict you love. My next statement makes people nervous. "Your loved one's addiction is not your issue." What does that mean? Yes, it effects you but it isn't yours to learn to manage. It means that in order for them to recover from their condition they must take responsibility for their addiction and acknowledge they need help. Then they must begin the process of recovery and learn to manage this chronic condition over time. Nobody else can do it for them. The more others assume responsibility for the addicted person's recovery the less likely they will assume responsibility for themselves.

If you are busy trying to manage their life how are you going to manage your own? You will not!! You will only become more focused on the addict and soon not have a life of your own. If you don't learn to have a life of your own you will fail at having a relationship with the addicted person if they do get help for their addiction and start living a different lifestyle.

Remember if their lips are moving they are lying. Loving someone is not a good reason to trust them. Trust is built on experience. When someone walks their talk, Does what they say they are going to do consistently over time you might consider trusting them.

The most important thing in the addicted person's life is not you, or jobs or hobbies or children, it is their drug of choice. Because of changes in the chemistry of the brain caused by addiction, addicted people believe that their drug of choice is what make life worth living.

Family Members Need Support

2008-01-03T13:21:00.000-10:00

Happy New Year, Welcome to 2008.

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) recommends that all members of a family that is struggling with addiction receive treatment.

Have you ever thought that if you were only a better husband, wife, or parent the addiction of your loved one might not have happened? Do you feel shame and isolate because of your family member's addiction? Have you felt frustrated, hopeless, angry, stressed, depressed? This is the disease of addiction playing havoc with family members. You need help to get through this. One of the goals of getting help is to learn that the addiction is not your fault, no matter how hard the addict works to convince you it is.

If you are dealing with addiction in your family YOU need help. YOU need support and YOU need to make a point in 2008 to get it. Don't get stuck thinking it is your job to save your family member, their life is NOT in your hands. The three tasks that are a must for for family members are to get education about addiction, To participate in an ongoing support group and to give up trying to control or believing you are responsible for the outcome for someone else.

Remember the three C's

You didn't CAUSE it, You can't CONTROL it and You can't CURE it.

Trust the addict you love?

2007-11-28T15:52:00.000-10:00

Trust- We all want to trust the people we love. Love sometimes blinds us to the reality of some situations. We think if we love someone we should trust them. But trust and love are two very different things. You can not particularly like someone but trust them because they follow through. You can also love someone but don't trust them. Many people might think that loving someone but not trusting them is horrible, but if you understand addiction you will see that it is not only a good idea but necessary for the family members emotional survival.

Addiction is a medical condition that neither the addicted person nor the family member can "cure". The addicted person can learn to manage their condition and live a healthy and happy life. In order to do this the addicted person must take responsibility for their condition, their past behavior, their present behavior, learn strategies to deal with uncomfortable feelings without using, and maintain a support system of other people in recovery.

Loved ones can be supportive but they must allow the addicted person to work their program of recovery on their own terms. Family and friends of addicted people usually have their own issues that need to be worked on but these issues generally get neglected because they want to focus on the addicted persons issues, family members may even mistake the addicted persons issues for their own.

It is important for family members to understand that the addicted persons issues are not your issues. Of course they effect you but they aren't yours.

Trusting your loved one will not help them in recovery. Allowing them to earn your trust will. So observe behavior, see if it matches up with the addicted persons talk, observe if there is follow through. Over time the person you love may even become trustworthy, but they don't deserve it until they earn it.

Manipulation and Addiction

2007-11-05T21:43:00.000-10:00

People have been writing and asking about addiction and manipulation.

The first thing to understand is that all addicted people manipulate. It isn't personal but it is what addicts do

The second thing to understand is that all family members and friends get manipulated by the addicted they care about. This is the normal dance that occurs with the disease of addiction

The third thing to know is that family members will continue to be manipulated until they make a decision to stop allowing this to happen.

As long as the addicted person is using they will not stop trying to manipulate. Don't expect the addicted person to change their behavior. This is normal behavior for the addicted person.

Family members and friends need to understand the nature of addiction. Addiction is a condition that alters the brain of the addicted person and causes a shift in perception. Because of the changes in the brain the addicted person believes that their drug of choice is what make life worth living, not family, friends, relationships, jobs, hobbies etc.

Compulsive drug use, lying and manipulation are the normal compulsive behaviors associated with addiction. Family members have no control over these behaviors although they spend tremendous amounts of energy attempting to control them.

Family members can control their response to these behaviors and that is the important skill to learn.

In their book "Love First" Jeff and Debra Jay have a chapter titled "Good Intentions Can Take You Down The Wrong Road." This chapter is about how family and friends get manipulated and inadvertently contribute to the addiction problems by helping the addicted person in inappropriate ways.

Family and friends need to learn the skill of allowing the addicted person they care about to experience the consequences of their addiction. If the addicted person isn't allowed to feel the pain they cause themselves they won't understand they have a problem or be motivated to change.

The addicted person can't see your pain. They can't see past their own needs. Anything that gets in their way is a problem that they must overcome, manipulate, get around so they can continue to use their drug of choice.

All addicted people manipulate, that's part of addiction. Don't take it personally, it's just how addicted people behave as a result of their condition.

The family needs to come together and talk about what is going on. Don't struggle alone. Check out Families Anonymous or Al Anon.

"If their lips are moving they are lying."

Role in families dealing with addiction.

2007-10-11T09:42:00.000-10:00

Many people find their way to this blog through asking a search engine to find information about the roles people take on in an addicted family.

The classic model of what these are describe five basic roles. The Chief Enabler, the Family Hero, the Family Scapegoat, the Family Lost Child, the Family Mascot.

The chief enabler could be a parent, spouse, someone the addict works with. It is the person that protects the addicted person from the consequences of their addiction. The family hero is the person that makes the family look good from the outside. This could be a star athlete, a top employee at work, a family member who gets top grades in school. The scapegoat is generally the problem kid who gets in trouble at school or at work. The scapegoat has obvious problems. The lost child is the one that stays out of the way, socially a loner, avoids attention. The mascot is the class clown, a joker, uses humor to deal with stress, a social comedian.

What is the problem here? The main issue is that these roles are taken on as compensation for the family's inability to deal with what is really going on, typically a family members addiction. We look at the roles of enabler or scapegoat or lost child or even the mascot and we can see the down side but what about the family hero? The problem is that all these roles are compulsions that develop to buffer the individual from the craziness within the family. As I have mentioned in an earlier blog these are all forms of enabling because it help the family and the individuals to avoid focusing on the main issue.

These roles don't just go away. The person who has developed a role for themselves doesn't generally know that they are reacting to the addiction in their family through there role. When the chief enabler becomes angry and bitter, the family hero becomes a stressed out perfectionist and the scapegoat winds up an addict, the lost child becomes more socially isolated and avoids responsibility and the mascot becomes depressed and runs out of jokes they may wonder how they got to this place in their lives.

This is why it is important to understand what these roles are,and how they impact peoples lives. These roles are unhealthy survival techniques that are used by individual family members to adjust to living with addiction in the family. These roles are used to soothe each persons own anxiety but does absolutely nothing to impact on the main issue which is the disease of addiction.

The roles are another symptom of the disease of addiction as it effects the family. There is no healthy way to adjust to addiction in the family at some point the family needs to face it to get healthy.

Regain your balance

2007-09-18T19:26:00.000-10:00

Anyone who has flown in a commercial aircraft has had the emergency instructions explained to them by the flight attendant prior to takeoff. What is the procedure for when the oxygen mask drops down? The procedure is too put the mask on yourself first, before you try to help anyone else.

People are always asking how can I help my loved one? You start by getting help for yourself first, why? Because you are the one that actually knows there is a problem and that help is needed.

Addiction is a medical condition that deeply affects all family members and one of the hallmarks of addiction in the family is a loss of control. This happens to all families everywhere in the world that are struggling with addiction. Unfortunately we try to regain control by struggling to control the addicted persons behavior. This tactic usually leaves family members feeling even more out of control.

One of the first skills to learn is to give up control of the outcome for someone else. Why would I say this? Addiction is a condition that directly impacts the central nervous system. along with all others. Addiction alters the brain and the brain chemistry and changes the way addicted people think and perceive the world. One part of the brain that is controlled by addiction is the survival and pleasure centers of the brain. This is that part of the brain that is very basic and controls our survival instincts. Because of the ways that drugs change this part or the brain the addicted person believes that their drug of choice is what makes life worth living. Not family, Not a career, Not relationships, Not financial stability. It's all about the drug. This is a perception that they believe and it drives their decision making. This is a hard concept for families to understand. It is not personal it's the way the disease process changes brain chemistry. This is what you are dealing with. This is why you need help on this road.

Addiction isn't just bad decision making, although, that happens. It is a medical condition that one can't just decide not to have anymore than one can decide not to have diabetes or high blood pressure.

Regaining our balance means taking time out to take care of ourselves. Acknowledge that we have a problem that effects everyone in the family, not just the addicted person. We don't get in balance by struggling to get the addict to stop using or spend our time trying to get the addicted person into treatment. That is actually their job. It is dangerous for you to connect your feelings of well being to the actions of an addicted person who has no control over their own well being.

Perception is Truth

2007-08-28T14:08:00.000-10:00

We act on our perceptions as if they were reality but are they?

If our reaction to addiction in the family is to try to control more aspects of the addicted persons life what does that say about our perceptions of addiction and our role in it?

If you believe that addiction is just bad decision making would you act differently toward the addict than if you believed that addiction was a disease that neither you nor the addict had any control over.

If you believed that the addicted person was suffering from a disease process and you believed that allowing the addicted person to experience the pain that they create in their lives was important, how would you act?

These are all questions that family members must come to grips with in order to figure out how to help the addicted person.

Where do we need to evolve to in our perceptions?

Try these out:

We have to learn to give up control of the outcome for the addict. This does not mean abandon them. The outcome for the addicted person is determined by them not you.

Addiction does not respond to logical thought it only responds to experience. Allow the addict to experience whatever they create in their lives.

When we rescue our family member from the consequences of their behavior we prevent them from succeeding or we prevent them from failing and feeling the consequences of their addiction.

How are they going to know they have a problem? Why should they make an effort to change if others take care of them?

What are your perceptions about addiction. How do you behave in relationship with the addicted person in your life? Does your behavior match up with what you believe?

You can't do this alone get support.

Creating Boundaries

2007-08-16T10:40:00.000-10:00

What does it mean to create boundaries? What is a boundary? On their website coping.org, James J. Messina Ph.D and Contance M. Messina Ph.D describe a boundary in the following ways;

Emotional and physical space between you and another person.

A limit or line over which you will not allow anyone to cross because of the negative impact of it being crossed on the past.

A healthy emotional distance you can maintain between you and another person so you don't become too enmeshed and/or dependent.

These are just a few ways of describing what we are calling boundaries.

Drs. Messina also describe how to establish healthy boundaries and how you can identify unhealthy thinking that allows boundaries to be ignored or violated.

Examples of unhealthy thoughts are;

"I can never say no."

"It's my duty to hold them together."

"I would feel guilty if I just did something on my own."

Drs. James and Constance Messina also suggest a method to establish healthy boundaries.

First: Identify symptoms that indicate your boundaries are currently being ignored, violated or haven't been established.

Second: Identify the unhealthy thinking and beliefs which allows this to happen.

Third: Identify new methods of thinking about the situation that encourage the establishment of healthy boundaries.

Fourth: Identify new behaviors, ways of responding to the situation that can help to establish healthy boundaries.

Fifth: Implement the new behaviors and begin creating healthy boundaries and healthy thinking about the situation.

It is very important for anyone dealing with addiction in the family to get help. You can not do this alone

What is important to understand and important to do?

2007-07-26T09:38:00.000-10:00

What to understand

Addiction is a condition that neither the family members nor the addicted person have control over. The behaviors that the addicted person displays are not the disease. They are the results of the disease acting on the brain/central nervous system. Addiction results in changes in the brain and effects how addicted people think and perceive the world. Their drug of choice becomes what makes life worth living and replaces relationships, career and family.

The three C's represent the following ideas; You did not cause it, You can not control it, and You can not cure it. Family members spend an enormous amount of time and energy struggling with these issues.

Addiction is not logical and not personal.

Addiction does not respond to logical thought. Addicted people can be very intelligent in every aspect of their lives but blind to the destruction they are causing in their own lives and their family member's lives. What is behind that? Remember addiction affects the central nervous system and addicted people see reality differently. What makes life worth living for them? The answer is, their drug of choice. So when addicted people make bad and hurtful choices as a result of their addiction there are no surprises here, that is what addicted people do.

Addiction is not personal. Addiction affects you deeply because it is hard to see someone you love possibly destroying himself or herself. The addicted person is not doing this to you on purpose. They are just doing what addicted people do and you happen to be a witness. Your son, daughter, wife, or husband didn't suddenly decide to become an addict, start destroying their lives and causing you misery because they thought it was a good idea at the time. The more you can learn to remove the personal aspects of your response to the addiction in your family the better able you will be to respond effectively to the reality of this situation.

Loss of trust is an important issue.

Many family members trust what an addicted person says because they want to trust them and want them to be trustworthy. They trust what they say because they think they should because that's my son, daughter, husband, or wife. They trust what the addicted person says because they think if they don't they are abandoning them. It is important for family members to understand this about the addict in their family; If their lips are moving they are lying. Never trust what an addicted person says, even if you want to. The only thing you can trust is their behavior. You can learn to trust them again only if and when they earn it. When what they say matches up with what they do on a consistent basis over time. Until such time the best response is to just observe.

What to do

Getting support is probably the most important behavior a family or individual family members can do for themselves and the addicted person in their family. Addiction thrives on isolation, fear, and anxiety. If family members don't reach out to others who are experiencing similar issues they may stay frozen in fear and shame. It is important to be able to feel free to be yourself and learn how to live a healthy life even with the stress of addiction in the family.

Create boundaries between you and the addicted person in your family. Learn to understand the difference what their issues are and what your issues are. For example, your loved one's addiction is not your issue. Your issues have to do with how you are trying to respond to their addiction. You can only take responsibility for what is yours. Their addiction belongs to them and they must learn to manage it. Family members drive themselves crazy trying to take responsibility for their family member's addiction. You are ultimately not responsible for your loved ones addiction or their recovery from addiction. Only they can take responsibility for that. Learning to take responsibility for what is yours is very important. Your job is to learn to respond to the addicted person in your family in a way that is healthy for you and others in your family while offering appropriate assistance to your loved one. Getting support will help with this and you will start to learn the resources available in your community.

Respond to the addicted person based on the reality of the situation. We find ourselves responding out of anxiety, anger, hurt, embarrassment and/or guilt. None of these motivations for responding to the addicted person in your family are helpful or appropriate. They are not effective and will not help you accomplish your goal of being of assistance to your loved one and staying healthy yourself. Learn to allow the addicted person to experience the consequences of their addiction. Each time you rescue them you prevent them from learning how to take care of themselves. Without pain no addicted person ever got help for their addiction.
It is important to deal with anxiety, anger, hurt, embarrassment and guilt feelings but that is one of the reasons for developing a support system. Remember it isn't personal and it is not your fault.

Create a team. Family members need to work together on finding the issues they can all agree on and building on them. Many time people will respond differently to the stress of addiction in the family. One person may be very emotional and another may be very stoic and keep their emotions inside. This can lead to family members misunderstanding each other and then that becomes an issue and gets in the way of responding appropriately to the addicted person. Don't let each others emotional style get in the way of working together. Usually family members all want a positive outcome. Even though they display their feelings differently family members generally have the same concerns. Respect each other. Learn to accept each others different emotional styles and support each other in becoming a team. Addiction will destroy the family unless family members make an effort to prevent that from happening.

Pain is inevitable suffering is optional

2007-07-09T12:50:00.000-10:00

Addiction hurts. It hurts the addicted person and everyone close to the addict. BUT, how much the family members suffer as a result of the pain of addiction is something they can learn to have control over if they are willing to get help. How much of your life have you given up because of a loved one's addiction? How much time do you spend stewing, being anxious, afraid, frustrated and with thoughts of disaster pounding in your head?

It is important for family members to learn to reduce this suffering if they are to be able to live their lives and act in ways that can be helpful to the addicted person in their lives. In order to do that family members must get support. They should go to alanon meetings, open 12 step meetings, educational meetings, families anonymous meetings. Find out all you want to know about addiction on the internet, maybe more than you wanted to know.

Remember that your loved ones addiction is not your fault, and remember the 3 C's; You didn't Cause it, You can't Control it, and You can't Cure it. As with any chronic condition such as addiction, diabetes, or arthritis the person with the condition must take responsibility for the condition if they are to manage it successfully. Family members cannot manage another person's condition no matter how badly they want to or how clearly they think they seen the problem or the solution.

The addicted person needs to learn to manage their addiction and the family members need to learn to manage their response to the addicted person they care about.

Family Dymanics in Addiction

2007-06-07T08:14:00.000-10:00

If you want to know the bare facts about addiction you can find the information on the internet. If you want to start family healing as a result of having an addicted person in your family you need to get support, reach out, as well as learn information and gradually learn to practice some new behavior skills within your family.

What family members have told me that has worked for them, was to build a team within the family. Team building, getting on the same page, working together in their interactions with each other and toward the addicted person in their lives has made an improvement in the quality of their family life.

Family members describe feeling better and feeling more empowered as they work toward building a team. Being on the "same page" when interacting with the addicted person in their family helps the family give clear messages to their addicted loved one about what the family expects. None of these families have reached any perfect goal and a perfect goal may not be possible but the process of working together has begun the healing and empowering process.

What this might mean to begin with is to find the one thing that family members can agree on rather than focusing on what they don't agree on. Many times family members agree on a lot more that they think they do, but how they think the issue should be solved is different. Rather than jumping to individual solutions learn to slow down and learn about each other and learn to respect the way each person is responding to the stress.

The only way healing can take place in a family with a loved one who has the disease of addiction is through the family learning how to build a team and learn to have boundaries between them and the addict and to operate within those boundaries with flexibility and teamwork.

This is important. Family members have described how healthier the family dynamics are when they are working to be a team. They may not agree on everything but are willing to talk with each other about their concerns. Getting support and education is very important in this process.

There is one thing I can tell you. Addiction with in a family has a corrosive effect and will destroy your family unless you are willing learn to work together and learn respect each other.

Role of the Family

2007-05-18T07:14:00.000-10:00

Family and friends can play an important role in motivating individuals with drug and alcohol problems to get into treatment and stay in treatment. In order to do this the family members must educate themselves about the nature of addiction, they need to learn what they have control over and what they do not and be willing to give up control of the outcome for the addicted person.

The addicted person needs information about their condition. If family members aren't clear about the nature of addiction it will be hard to give clear information to their loved one. The addicted person will spend a lot of energy rejecting this information so if the family member understands that this is normal it will reduce their anxiety and help them to continue to give information to their loved one anyway. When you give information to an addicted person it must be simple and straight, such as, I love you, you need help, here is a list of treatment programs. Addicted people do not need judgments, threats or attempts at manipulating them into treatment.

One of the more difficult skills that family members and friends need to learn is how to allow the addicted person they love to experience the consequences of their addiction without trying to save them. Addicted people need pain. Without pain they will not be motivated to seek help. One important note, it is not the job of the family to create pain for the addict in hope that this will make them go into treatment. This is very important. I have talked to many parents that kicked their adult child out of the house thinking this will make them go to treatment, and the addicted person does not go. There are no simple solutions here. If you choose to kick someone out of the house it should only be done to make your life better, to protect your environment. If this results in the addicted person going to treatment great, if it does not, that's OK also because that wasn't the goal. This would be a natural consequence for the addicted person as a result of their drug use and they will have to deal with it as opposed to a manipulative consequence created by the parents to create pain.

In order to play the strongest role in this with an addicted person in your family you must get education, get support, pass on the information to the addict whether they like it or not, learn to give up trying to control the outcome for the addicted person, allow the addicted person to experience the natural consequences of their addiction, and when not sure what to do seek out the support you have been developing for advice and more support.

Take Back Your Home

2007-05-01T07:26:00.000-10:00

First it is important to understand where I'm coming from. What I talk about is based on my belief that addiction is a disease process that neither the family member nor the addicted person have any control over. People that have come to my class over the last 12 years have had a range of beliefs about this and that is fine. The important point is that they are willing to make changes to improve their own lives that have been disrupted by the disease process of addiction.

If you can't control the disease what can you control? There are two areas of our lives we neglect and can control: 1. Our response to the addiction. Not just a reaction based on fear and anxiety but a plan of action. 2. Our environment, where we live and what we allow in our lives.

Family members need support to take back their home and take back their lives. One opportunity for this is with AlaNon/ Alateen. For more information on AlaNon/Alateen follow the link on this blog. Also read the book "Addict in the Family" published by
Hazelden. Addiction pulls families apart. Within the family there may be different responses. Try to find as many areas of agreement as possible, even if it is only that our loved one is an addict. Treat each other with respect, everyone is responding to a very stressful situation.

This is a process of recovery for the family. Taking back your home is for you not the addicted person. Don't do this if your real goal is to manipulate your loved one into treatment. Also you should not do anything you are not willing to follow through on and believe is the right thing to do.

Family members start this process in a variety of ways. All families need education and support to be clear on what they believe about addiction. Also family members need to agree on what behavior change they will make and are willing to follow through on, whether it is stopping doing their son's laundry to kicking their loved one out or finding the ability to have their loved one arrested if they steal from them or break into the house. The message you are giving the addicted person is that, we love you, your behavior unacceptable, and I can't control your addiction (as much as I would like to) but I am taking control of my life.

Don't do anything you aren't willing to follow through on. This isn't a trick to cause them pain so they will go to treatment. This isn't even about the addict, it is about the family making healthy choices for themselves. Whether you stop the money, change the locks, press charges because of stealing or breaking in you must be consistent.

What do we say to the addict? This isn't a debate or a discussion. Make simple, clear statements, such as; We love you, You need treatment, Here is a list of treatment programs in the area, We will no longer support your addiction, We will support your recovery.

Remember the three C's. for families: You didn't Cause it, You can't Control it, You can't Cure it.

Denial, Dishonesty, Manipulation

2007-04-25T14:08:00.000-10:00

We have been talking about the concepts of denial, dishonesty, and Manipulation in our family class for years. In her recent book "Addict in the Family", published by Hazelden, Beverly Conyers spells it out very clearly. Addiction is very predictable and all addicted people will deny they have a problem, lie, cheat and steal and manipulate situations and people to get what they want, and that is their drug of choice.

Remember, addiction is a brain disease and the brain is altered in important ways at the cellular level because of this disease process. You can not see addiction, but you can see the result of addiction in the dishonest and manipulative behavior that addicts display regularly. This behavior is very understandable when you are clear that what an addicted person believes and acts on is that their drug of choice is what makes life worth living.

Family members think in terms of relationships, children, career, and accomplishments as what make life worth living but that is not true for the addicted person.

Remember; "If their lips are moving they are lying." "Never trust an addicted person because you think you should or because you want them to be trustworthy so badly." "the only thing that counts with an addicted person is their behavior."

Addiction in my Adult Child

2007-04-10T10:59:00.000-10:00

There are some things that it is important to be clear about before you speak with your son or daughter about your concerns. First, separate the addiction from the person in your own mind. This isn't about their character or willpower. This is about a medical condition that neither you nor they have any control over. If you are not clear on this it is not the time to approach them.

If you have a partner, are you both in agreement about your loved one's addiction. Are you and your partner able to talk about this issue with respect even if you don't agree on how to approach the issue.

It is important to understand that addicted people generally seek help when they are allowed to experience the consequences of their addiction. Many times family members buffer the addicted person from these consequences for a variety of reasons related to guilt mixed with love and fear. This is not good for the family or the addicted person.

If you are wanting to confront the addicted person because you have had enough and are angry and resentful, step back!! This is not helpful for the addicted person or the family.

When you do talk with the addicted person be clear that you can not talk the addicted person out of this medical condition, or threaten them out of it, or beg them out of it, or bribe them out of it.

It is very important that you are clear that this is not a discussion. You are not to ask questions or get into an argument about whether they are addicted. You make clear, simple statements. Such as "I am concerned about your addiction and I want you to seek help." "I love you very much and your addiction behavior frightens me and I can't live with it." "I will not support your addiction." "I will support your recovery." "Here is information on recovery centers in town." End of conversation!! They may not like what you have to say but that is irrelevant. The important thing is that you said it and it will get said over and over again.

Remember if their lips are moving they are lying. What counts is behavior not words. Many parents, as well as other family members, trust the addicted person for the wrong reasons. They trust because they want to so badly or they think they should and then they get disappointed over and over again. Never put faith in the words of an addicted person until such time that they have had long enough recovery that they have a track record of following through on those words with action. Until they learn to "walk their talk."

All family members need to get educated about addiction and get support to help themselves and their family on the path to recovery. There are some hard truths to digest during this process. For example:

Your loved one's addiction is not your issue. You are deeply effected by it and unfortunately take it on as an issue but only he/she can solve this not you.

Addiction is not personal. It is a medical condition that happens in the brain at the cellular level. This is because of the changes in the brain brought on by the chronic use of their drug on choice. The behavior you see is not the addiction. It is the result of the addiction working on the brain.

Addiction is predictable. I have been facilitating the family class at Hina Mauka for over eleven years and the questions that family members ask are always the same. Families always run into the same behaviors.

The addicted person's thinking process is changed because of the chronic use of their drug of choice. The brain is changed and one of the changes is that the addict believes that their drug of choice is what makes life worth living. Not family, relationships, accomplishments, career, or responsibilities. They put themselves through tremendous stress because of this. When family members come to understand this it answers a lot of questions.

Family members need to create boundaries. Where do they begin and end emotionally and where does the addicted person begin and end. What are your real issues and what belongs to the addict. Unfortunately family members take on the addicts issues as their own and begin to lose their own identity. This is when family members really start feeling out of control and like they are going "crazy"

Family members have control over two things. Their Environment- What is in their home, life, and How They Choose To Respond to the addiction in their family.

This is an ongoing dialogue. The process of recovery is gradual. Please leave a comment and I will respond as soon as possible

Rules in the Addicted Family

2007-03-31T14:23:00.000-10:00

We have talked about the unhealthy roles that family members take on in response to the stress of addiction in the family, but what are the rules that govern these families. The rules are very rigid and probably play a large part in the development of those unhealthy roles.

Sharon Wegscheider Cruse in her book "Another Chance- Hope and Health for the Alcoholic Family" points out the following: "As the addict gradually loses power over his/her own life and behavior, they wield more and more power over the lives of the people close to him/her."

Weigscheider Cruse points out seven unhealthy rules that govern families living with addiction.

"Rule: The addicts use of their drug is the most important thing in the family's life."

"Rule: Drug use is not the cause of the family's problem."

"Rule: Someone or something else caused the addicts dependency; he is not
responsible."

"Rule: The status quo must be maintained at all cost."

"Rule: Everyone in the family must be an enabler."

"Rule: No one may discuss what is really going on in the family, either with one another or with outsiders."

"Rule: No pne may say what he is really feeling."

As you can clearly see this does not leave the family members with much room to move. The shame and fear associated with coming out and seeking help is very strong. Even when the family member does seek help it starts out all about the addict. When I ask family members how they are doing they begin to talk about the addict. They don't know how to talk about themselves or of what is going on with in their lives because they have lost themselves, they have given up their identity to focus on the addict. In many cases they have taken on the problems of the addict as if those problems were their own. They don't know where they end and the addict begins. The have no boundaries and this is killing the family member and the family.

Family member need help they can't do it alone. Check out the links to Families Anonymous and Ala-Non on this site.

What is Enabling?

2007-03-18T11:27:00.000-10:00

People in class will say "I am an enabler" or "others have told them that they are an enabler." This only makes people feel even more "stuck" and thinking there is something wrong with them. Concept number one: Enabling is a behavior not a person. It is a behavior that a family member has learned to do for emotional survival.

Enabling is a behavior in which someone does something for the addicted person that the addicted person should be doing for themselves. Enabling is a learned behavior that can be unlearned and replaced by a healthier more productive response to your loved one's addiction.

Why do people do these behaviors? One reason is that family members are generally very anxious about what is happening to their loved one. They are also feeling a sense of responsibility to "do something" to help or are feeling pressured to do something to help. Feeling anxious, responsible and pressured is a dangerous combination. Add in a misunderstanding of what addiction is and you get a set-up for enabling behavior.

Enabling behavior is a method family members use to soothe their own anxiety. These behaviors do not help the addict. They actually prevent the addicted person from experiencing the reality of their addiction. Enabling behaviors also prevent the family member from understanding that their loved one's addiction is not their issue. It effects them deeply but their loved ones addiction is their loved ones issue. The family member actually has other issues they need to work on.

"The role adopted for survival can also be the role that will destroy." Go to alanon meetings or families anonymous meetings. If there are no families anonymous meetings in your area start one. Go to the families anonymous link on this website and they show you how to do that.

"The Revised 12 Steps"

2007-03-06T16:14:00.000-10:00

This is from the "Adult Children of Alcoholics" Communicator -March 1990 - Council Bluffs Iowa - Enjoy and Learn!!

1.We admitted we were powerless over nothing. We could manage our lives perfectly and we could manage those of anyone else that would allow it.

2.Came to believe that there was no power greater than ourselves, and the rest of the world was insane.

3.Made a decision to have our loved ones and friends turn their wills and their lives over to our care.

4.Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of everyone we knew.

5.Admitted to the whole world at large the exact nature of their wrongs.

6.Were entirely ready to make others straighten up and do right.

7.Demanded others to either "shape up or ship out".

8.Made a list of anyone who had ever harmed us and became willing to go to any lengths to get even with them.

9.Got direct revenge on such people whenever possible except when to do so would cost us our own lives, or at the very least, a jail sentence.

10.Continued to take inventory of others, and when they were wrong, promptly and repeatedly told them about it.

11.Sought through nagging to improve our relations with others as we couldn't understand them at all, asking only that they knuckle under and so things our way

12.Having had a complete physical, emotional and spiritual breakdown as a result of these steps, we tried to blame it on others and to get sympathy and pity in all our affairs.

Anyone who is struggling with addiction in their family needs information and support to accomplish the things that will bring them into a healing process. There is a lot of emotional pain generated by this disease. Isolation, trying to maintain the status quo, and walking on eggshells only make it worse.

Everyone takes on some type of role for emotional survival when the family is struggling with addiction. It is important to understand that roles adopted for survival can also be the role that will destroy.

When you begin to reach out you can learn about what you are doing that is healthy for you and learn what you need to change for your own well being.

Healing Involves Suffering

2007-02-24T11:52:00.000-10:00

What am I suppose to do just let him use? Just let her ruin her life? Just let him be an addict? This dilemma is front an center many times in the family program each week.

Family members are struggling with loss of control, struggling to make something good happen. It takes time for family members to understand what it is they have control over and what they don't. Family members and friends can learn to exercise control over their own environment and how they personally respond to the addiction in their lives.

What they don't have control over is whether or not their loved one has the disease of addiction and what the addicted persons behavior is as a result of this condition. BUT that is what they want to have control over and unfortunately many continually struggle with trying to force control over the addicted person and this causes tremendous emotional pain.

Like the addicted person when family members have had enough suffering they may become open to a different way of looking at things that might help them move toward healing.

Creating boundaries is one of the most important skills family members and friends of addicted people can learn. It is very important to clearly learn the difference between what are their issues and what are your issues.

Number one is that their addiction is not your issue. It effects you deeply and causes you pain but you can't solve this issue for them. So what are your issues? They are all the emotional turmoil going on within you as a result of your reactions to the addiction and the addicted person.

It is very empowering to understand this and understand there are skills and new behaviors to learn that will help you and as a result allow the addicted person a chance to experience the consequences of their addiction.

Remember addicts need to suffer so they can figure out there is a problem that they need help with. And one more thing the addict can't do it alone!! AND the family members can't do it alone either. Family members need support within a safe and supportive environment where they can check out new ideas, see how others have been successful or have repeated the same unproductive behaviors over and over again. Just like the addicted person.

What about Family Roles

2007-02-06T22:26:00.000-10:00

The key to understanding these roles is that they are not just labels, they are learned behaviors that are employed by people within a family system. These behaviors are essentially survival techniques that family members employ in an attempt to escape the pain, fear and confusion that addiction is causing in their family system and gain some control over the chaos in their lives. The problem is that these behaviors provide short term relief but in the long run are destructive. and if they are not understood and the underlying feelings dealt with they may become compulsive behaviors that negatively impact each family member for years to come.

The textbook "labels" for these behaviors are the Chief Enabler, The Hero, The Scapegoat, the Lost Child and the Clown. Definitions for these are easy to find on the internet or in book about addiction. So, what about family roles.

When people are stressed they will respond in some way and they will respond in some way for survival. Remember these are behaviors, reactions to overwhelming stress. the Hero behavior is about finding control outside the family. It could be in school, in sports or other area. The scapegoat behavior is being the anti-hero. This behavior is about gaining control by acting out the chaos they feel inside the family and themselves. The lost child behavior is about staying out of the way, lying low, not sticking your neck out. the clown behavior is about laughing on the outside and crying on the inside, using humor to deal will anxiety. That brings us to the chief enabler. All the behaviors related to the family roles are a form of enabling behavior because they are a result of not understanding addiction and not being able to honestly talk about it within the family. The chief enabler is the person who displays the most focused and direct enabling behaviors such as paying the addicted persons bills, making excuses for them, preventing open discussion of addiction in the household and at the sometime trying to manipulate the addict into changing through begging, threatening, pleading, walking on eggshells, etc., etc.

Enabling behaviors are a direct result of attempting to control fear and anxiety by performing some behavior that the addicted person wants. This reduces anxiety for a short while but it always returns.

Here is the secret to recovery: Anyone who is in recovery must pass through some level of suffering to be successful. Recovery is about becoming comfortable with handling uncomfortable feelings. This is true for both the addict as well as the family members. Attempts to avoid doing what is uncomfortable by employing enabling behaviors to shield the addicted person from the consequences of their addiction only results in more pain and are a roadblock to possible recovery. They also shield the family from honest communication and dealing with the pain they have been experiencing.

How Do I Help The Addicted Person???

2007-01-29T22:07:00.000-10:00

How do I help? The first thing you must understand is that you cannot do this alone. You must have a support system in place, you need someone you can talk with about the process. Most family members are dealing with a high level of anxiety and/or fear. If this anxiety/fear is not processed in a supportive environment we will fall into the trap of enabling behaviors to relieve our uncomfortable feeling and it does nothing for the addict or us. The other thing that happens is we isolate from positive support systems. Once we are clear that we cannot do this alone we have chance of success. Support systems such as Alanon/Alateen and Families Anonymous are available you can find the link on this site.

The next step is to come to an understanding that you actually cannot control the outcome for the addict. As you gradually come to terms with this reality your options to respond to the addiction expand. Learn to give up control of the outcome for the addict and your fear and anxiety reduce. as this happens you will find room in your heart for compassion and love.

The addicted person needs information about their condition. Provide straight information about resources in the community and that they need help. this is not a debate, or a discussion about whether or not they are addicts. Don't be surprised if you are rejected in this effort or even blamed. the important point is that you provide straight, non judgemental feedback and information. Remember, do not argue with them or nag them or threaten them or listen to their excuses.

Allow the addicted person to experience the consequences of their behavior. addicted people only enter treatment because they experience some level of pain that breaks through their denial system. This pain could be legal, financial, emotional or medical. If there are no consequences there are no reasons for an addicted person to seek change. If they have been hearing about treatment programs in the community from you they may decide to go to one if they experience consequences they don't like. Stepping aside and letting them suffer as a result of their addictive behavior is a way of bringing their bottom up. The earlier in this process they experience pain the better.

Giving someone information if they don't want it is not easy, not taking their rejection of that information personally is not easy, allowing a person that we love to suffer as a result of their addiction is not easy. this is why you must have a support system. In my class over the past 11 years family members will say to me, "Bob, that's easier said than done." My response is always "of course it is and it is still what needs to be done." It is usually at this point in the class when family members either realize they have work to do or leave and don't come back. There are no magic bullets in dealing with addiction in your family and yet the process of recovery can be very rewarding one.

Check Out This Link

2007-01-18T12:29:00.000-10:00

I just added a link over there on the right "Issues for Families." This is will take you to a website created by the Addictions Foundation of Manitoba and it is filled with information and resources about responding to addiction with family members or friends including gambling addiction. The link I provided takes you directly to the issues for families section. The general website can be found at- www.afm.mb.ca -

Over the years that I have been teaching the family class in Hawaii the majority of people that have come to the class were those that have adult children that are addicts and this link addresses this issue along with many many others. If you are confused, stressed, trying to make someone who doesn't want help get it and keeping all this a secret, this website is for you.

Addiction is a family illness. It causes isolation, neglect of core values, stressed family ties, shame and financial difficulties to name a few. Everyone is effected and needs help with understanding what is going on.

Your not alone.

Check out the links on the right.

Find someone to talk with.

What to do??

2006-12-28T16:32:00.000-10:00

I hope everyone is having a safe and happy holiday season. This is a stressful time of the year even without the intensity of having someone you care about struggling with addiction. We all see things through our owns lense and have a certain perspective about what our responsibilities are or what our moods are. Brain chemistry influences everyone in good way and not so good ways.

Addiction changes the brain chemistry and fools the brain into thinking something very important and meaningful happened when nothing happened. The physical changes that addiction causes in the chemistry of the brain rob the person of having a choice. Addicts don't have a choice but think they do. Family members do have a choice but think they don't.

Addicts can learn to have a choice once they buy into a recovery program and follow that program of recovery over a long period of time. The choice addicts have is how are they going to respond to their addiction, not whether they are addicts or not.

Family members can learn to exercise the choices they have all along but either didn't realize these choices were appropriate or were not emotionally ready to implement some of these choices. The family members must get help. they must get support.

The first step in recovery for the family member is to understand that they cannot be responsible for the recovery program of the addicted person in their lives. They need to learn to give up managing other peoples lives and focus on managing their own. In order to do this we need the support of others who are also dealing with these issues.

What to do: Step one find a support group were you can be yourself with people who won't judge you. The links on this blog can help you find this support in your area.

Have a good new year, take care of yourself.

What's Going On

2006-12-06T12:23:00.000-10:00

Addiction is a disease process. This disease effects every member of your family. Managing this disease can be successful. To manage addiction successfully requires family members to take responsibility for their own recovery process.
The Goal of every addict is to use their drug of choice successfully. They can never succeed at this and their struggle to accomplish this results in the creation of a tremendous level of chaos for both themselves and their loved ones.
Nagging, preaching, threatening, lecturing or pleading is a waste of your time. the addict does not have anymore control over their disease process than you do. Which is none. The process of denial prevents them from knowing the truth.
Back Off !! The more energy you spend on trying to "force" a specific outcome the more helpless you make yourself feel. If you are preventing the addicted person from feeling the consequences of their addiction you must learn to stop this. Addiction does not respond to logic it only responds to experience.
Pain is the addicted person's best friend. Learn to allow the addict to feel the natural consequences of their behavior. When we "rescue" our loved one we are not helping them. We are soothing our own anxiety related to addiction in the family. In order to recover everyone in the family will experience uncomfortable feelings, learn to handle them in ways beside enabling behaviors.
What do I do? Get the facts, develop a support system with others who are "in the same boat." Practice new behaviors, not to try to create an outcome in the addict but to make your life better. Addiction thrives in an environment based on isolation, secrects, lies and shame.
It's a brain disease. Addiction causes distortion in both perception, thinking and behavior. Treatment for the addict is about learning how to think, feel and behave drug free. For the family members it is learning how to think, feel and behave without being dominated by anxiety, fear, and shame.

More on Roles

2006-11-21T17:30:00.000-10:00

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving. The holiday season is always a stressful time but when you add addiction to the mix and it can be heartbreaking. Family members need to be extra careful not to isolate and to seek out support from other family, friends, and/or a 12 step program such as al-anon.

We last talked about the role of enabler in the family. In actuality everyone plays this role from time to time. Remember we talked about taking on roles as a way of coping with the "craziness" in the family. Other behaviors roles that people tend to take on in order to survive emotionally are the overachiever, this person is sometimes called the family hero. Others may display acting out behavior, getting in trouble in school or not going to school, this is the scapegoat. Another behavior is staying out of the way, laying low, spending a lot of time alone, quiet, this person gets lost in the shuffle. Then there is the clown who uses humor to defuse tense situations. All these roles have an aspect of health attached to them. They also have a cost. The problem is that these behaviors become compulsive ways of handling stress in general and lead to serious problems for the person unless they understand what is going on with them. The overachiever uses work and accomplishment to deal with stress and could become a workaholic, the scapegoat faced with stressful situations in their life may compulsively act out as a way of dealing with the stress and never know why. Every time they are on the verge of success they seem to sabotage themselves. The lost one lays low, doesn't stick his neck out. This was one of the roles that I took on when going up in an alcoholic family. I tell people today that I would have made a great Vice President. Not standing out is the goal when stressed. Of course the comedian is not made aware of what they are doing can become depressed has a hard time with relationships as an adult and tends to be emotionally immature.

What can you do? Vern E. Johnson, of the Johnson Institute advises the following; you can become an Intervener. How do you do that? It takes two steps. If you are in the habit of inappropriately confronting the chemically dependent person, STOP. If you are accustomed to protecting the chemically dependent person, STOP.

Easier said than done you say and you are right. These are learned skills that you will acquire if you come to the family education class at Hina Mauka in Waipahu or Hina Mauka in Kaneohe on Thursday evenings.

What's My Role

2006-11-09T13:36:00.000-10:00

When there is a crisis or an on going stressor within the family everyone in the family is effected in some way. This is especially true when a family member or close friend suffers from the disease of addiction. We may not even be aware that we try to maintain control of the situation by taking on new roles. We act in certain ways in an attempt at responding to the addiction in our family. Everyone does this, it is unavoidable. The problem is that many of the typical ways family members react are not healthy for them and do nothing to help their loved one.

What are these roles? They are ways of trying to adjust to the disease of addiction in the family. In her book "Another Chance; Hope and Health for the Alcoholic Family" Sharon Wegscheider Cruse describes these roles. She has labeled these roles as the "Enabler, the Hero, the Scapegoat, the Lost Child, and the Mascot." Unfortunately these roles have become labels for people and labeling is not healthy either. An example would be the Enabler, everyone does this behavior to some extent. Think of enabling as a behavior rather than a title. When family members attempt to manage the addicted person by doing for the addicted person what that person should be doing for themselves that's enabling behavior, when family members find themselves shielding the addicted person from the consequences of their addiction that's enabling behavior. Family members enable in order to deal with their own anxiety and this way of dealing with the anxiety caused by the disease of addiction in the family is not helpful to the family members or the addicted person.

We get caught up in adjusting to the addiction in our family and Sharon Wegscheider Cruse reminds us that "the only healthy response to would be not to adjust to it but to open it up by voicing honestly your practical problems, your mental confusion and your emotional pain." This cannot be done alone. You need a support system. Al-Anon, Alateen, NA, AA.

More on roles in coming blogs.

Links you may find helpfull

2006-10-27T10:43:00.000-10:00

www.al-anon.alateen.org
www.na-hawaii.org

One of the hallmarks of addiction in the family is isolation. It is important for family members to understand that they are not alone. Find resources that can be helpful to you. Each resource probably won't meet all your needs but each one will have something to offer. Keeping secrets is part of the negative consequences of addiction in the family. Remember the three C's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Understand Enabling

2006-09-26T09:06:00.000-10:00

There is nothing family members can do that is wrong but there is is a lot they can do that is unproductive.

Isolation, shame, fear, anger and trying to control the wrong things are the biggest hurdles the family must overcome. Family members want to know; How can we help? The first step in helping is to find support reduce the isolation related to the addiction is your family.

It is important to understand that what ever you do to "help" must, first, be motivated by the need to take care of yourself, both, physically and emotionally. Family members tend to put their emotional well being into the hands of an addicted person who has no control over their own well being. They say to themselves, "I can never be happy unless my loved one stops using drugs." By doing this family members make themselves into emotional hostages to their loved one's addiction. When this happens the family winds up feeling the pain and anxiety that the addicted person should be feeling and needs to feel to have a chance of making a decision to get help.

When family members buffer the addict from the consequences of their addiction they rob the addict of an opportunity to struggle with a crisis that may give them the motivation to seek help. Why do family members do this? Because they think they are "suppose" to rescue their loved one and because they are also trying to soothe their own anxiety. If family members reach out and allow themselves to get support they can learn to not do for the addicted person what they should be doing for themselves.

Develop Boundaries

2006-09-17T09:50:00.000-10:00

Pain is the best friend of the addicted person. One of the very important skills for family members to learn is to be able to allow the addicted person to feel the consequences of their behavior. The family member may be addicted to trying to make a positive outcome happen for the addicted person. In the process of trying to make things better, walking on egg shells, and of taking care of the addicts responsibilities the family members protect the addicted person from feeling the pain that they need to feel in order to change in some way.

Developing boundaries is so important for the family member. It is important for the family member gradually understand that their loved one's addiction is not their problem. Their loved one's addiction effects them but it is not the issue they have to learn to manage. Families must learn to manage their response to their loved one's addiction in a way that is healthy for them and their whole family.

It is very important for family members to get support and learn the facts about addiction.

Where To Get Help

2006-09-07T09:20:00.000-10:00

Focus on what you have control over, not what you do not have control over. We try to have an effect on our loved one's thought process by appealing to their "common sense" and we think, "how can you not see what you are doing to yourself." We don't understand that we are not dealing with "just" bad choices. We are dealing with a disease process, a brain disease that does not respond to logic or argument. The disease is not logical and exists independent of our thought process. The addicted person can only respond to consequences.

So, what do we have control over? We have control over our environment and we have control over our response to the addiction in our family. What have we been doing? We have been trying to control the addicted person's attitude, behavior, friends, habits, and becoming more and more frustrated and feeling more and more powerless. While we are doing these things our environment is falling apart and how we react to the situation becomes based more on fear and anxiety than understanding.

How do I begin to control my environment and my response? In order to do this we need to begin to develop boundaries between ourselves and the addicted person. we have to begin to understand what our problems are and what their problems are. For example, your loved one's addiction is not your problem. It effects you and is painful for you, but, your problem is how well you respond to the addicted person's issues. No matter how hard you try you will never be able to solve their problem, only they can do that. This does not mean that you don't love them, want the best for them, nor does it mean you abandon them. It mean that you are developing a clear understanding on what the issues are and who is responsible for solving what problems. Remember the three C's; You didn't Cause it, You can't Control it, and You can't Cure it.

Family members need support to deal with these issues. It is very important to find an Alanon or Alateen group so you can be around other going through similar experience. In Hawaii there are also family education classes for the family members of the addicted person. These classes are held at Hina Mauka and are on Thursday nights. One is held at the Waipahu office and the other is held at the Kaneohe facility. Call 236-2600 for information.

It's Not Your Fault

2006-08-30T08:33:00.001-10:00

It's not your fault. Family members want to know what they can do to help their loved one. What is the one thing they haven't found out yet that is the answer for creating a positive outcome for their son, daughter, husband, wife, brother, sister. In the struggle to help their loved one family members gradually put more and more of their own emotional wellbeing into the hands of the addicted person. who has no control over their own wellbeing. The family members world begins to shrink and is more and more focused on the addict. This situation causes tremendous levels of pain and anxiety for the family members.
The answer to the question of how can they help lies in what the family members think is going on. What the family members think is true about addiction, what they perceive their responsibilities are, and what family members are emotionally willing and able to do in response ti the addiction in their family.

For example the idea that addiction is a disease process that neither the addict nor the family member have any control over may be very confusing to the family member. Many family members do not understand what that means or are not really convinced that it is true. Every major health organization in the world agrees that addiction is a disease but, unless the family member is able to understand this and act on it the information doesn't help them. Family members will say things like, "how can it be a disease, they do it to themselves?" What the family members are seeing is actually the compusive behavior and drug seeking of the addict that is the result of changes in the brain caused by the disease process of addiction.

You would think that people with lung cancer or emphyzema would stop smoking but many do not because of their addiction to nicotine. The brain is altered because of the chronic drug use and fools the addict is thinking that their drug of choice, whether it is Ice, Alcohol, Nicotine, Cocaine is what makes life worth living, not family, friends, job. This is why the addict will endure all type of hardship, create chaos, lose everything around them because they are chasing the thing that they think is good for them. I never met an addict that wanted the pain that they caused for themselves but they can't stop.

What Addicted People Do

2006-08-25T12:59:00.000-10:00

Of course, that's what addicts do! Addicts lie, manipulate, steal, make bad, impulsive decisions. We scratch our heads and wonder, how could they do that? Don't they see what a mess they are making of their lives? Family members are thinking logically but addiction is not logical. We want to help so we take care of the addict in ways that shield them from the consequences of their addiction. We take on the pain they should be feeling. Family members eventually must learn that nagging, preaching, threatening, or lecturing the addict is a waste of their time. The addict does not have anymore control over their disease process than you do, which is none. Neither the addict nor their family member wants to accept this reality and it causes a tremendous level of pain and chaos. When the family member begins to accept this reality then healing can begin for them. The same way that the addict must accept that they are powerless over their addiction the family member do the same. the family members addiction is trying to control the addicts disease.

Addiction the Brain Disease

2006-08-23T11:40:00.000-10:00

What's going on? Why is it important to the family members to begin to truely understand that their loved one is caught in a disease process? It is important for family members to learn that the addict has no control over what is going on with him/her and that this condition is a brain disease that the addict can't simply decide not to have. It isn't personal, even though it effects those close to the addict. Addiction is a brain disease that alters the way addicts think and feel about their world and those in their world.
Why is addiction a brain disease? Because it changes the way the brain functions. The part on the brain that is most effected by addiction is the part of the brain that controls our drive for survival. With addiction the brain is fooled by the drugs and the addict begins to think that their drug of choice is needed for their own emotional survival. They start to believe that their drug of choice is what makes life worth living. The disease of addiction replaces the normal types of experiences such as positive relationships with families, jobs, physical activity, good nutrition as markers of wellbeing with the ability to access and use their drug of choice. It is not personal. the goal of every addict is to use their drug of choice successfully. They can never succeed at this and their struggle to accomplish this results in the creation of a tremendous level of chaos for both themselves and their loved ones.
As the family members begin to see addiction as a disease process that neither they nor the addict have any control over they can begin to learn and implement the three C's. The three C's for family members are: They didn't Cause it, They can't Control it, and they can't Cure it.
How does an addict get help if they can't control their disease process? The addicts best friend is pain. It is very important for people with the disease of addiction to be allowed to feel the consequences of their addiction. Of course many times family members make every effort to shield the addict from the consequences of their addiction. All this does is create a situation where the family members feel the pain that the addict should be feeling. The addict needs the painful experience to know they have a problem.

Families and Addiction

More on Helping Yourself.

Helping Yourself

Finding Help

A Healthier Relationship With The Addict In Your Family

Creating Boundaries

Using Resources

Families on the Frontlines

Taking a Break

How to have a "healthy" relationship with the addicted person in your family

Words and Action

More About Boundaries

Creating Boundaries

What People Ask!!

Loss

What is the wisdom attached to the facts?

Sometimes We Need To Hear It Again

Family Members Need Support

Trust the addict you love?

Manipulation and Addiction

Role in families dealing with addiction.

Regain your balance

Perception is Truth

Creating Boundaries

What is important to understand and important to do?

Pain is inevitable suffering is optional

Family Dymanics in Addiction

Role of the Family

Take Back Your Home

Denial, Dishonesty, Manipulation

Addiction in my Adult Child

Rules in the Addicted Family

What is Enabling?

"The Revised 12 Steps"

Healing Involves Suffering

What about Family Roles

How Do I Help The Addicted Person???

Check Out This Link

What to do??

What's Going On

More on Roles

What's My Role

Links you may find helpfull

Recommended reading

Understand Enabling

Develop Boundaries

Where To Get Help

It's Not Your Fault

What Addicted People Do

Addiction the Brain Disease